Laura has breast cancer

Monday morning

2008-10-13T08:20:00.002-04:00

Laura is feeling well. Easing off the pain med's rapidly, and starting to do some modest exercise (walks outside, maybe an exercise bicycle today). Her top concern: is she too "big" ?

I have done my best to reassure her.

she's doing well

2008-10-09T20:07:00.001-04:00

Very quick update: Laura's doing well, took some pain medicine, etc. She hasn't passed out on the bathroom floor yet, so that's a good sign. Boys are good, too, playing with Risk. More, tomorrow.

Surgery went well...

2008-10-09T13:27:00.002-04:00

Laura's excellent surgeon came out, and everything went well. I should get to see her in about 30 minutes, and I expect we'll be leaving the hospital in about 90 minutes.

I did spend a few minutes just now talking philosophy, politics, and venture capital with her surgeon. A bit random, I'll admit.

More update, later.

Surgery tomorrow

2008-10-08T20:14:00.003-04:00

Hi everyone.

As is obvious, I haven't kept up with the blog for weeks and weeks. We've been gradually returning to "normal life" -- or at least some new normal. Often as two steps forward, one step back, but hey, that's still progress.

Tomorrow is one step back, then two steps forward: she's undergoing surgery to remove the tissue expanders, and the intravenous port, and having the regular silicone implants. It's a 2 hour, general anesthesia procedure, but better than the last one for sure.

I will update the blog tomorrow re: her status, though the surgery itself isn't until late morning, so don't be alarmed if there's no update until later in the afternoon.

out with a bang

2008-08-10T12:31:00.003-04:00

"Am I usually this much a waste of space on a Sunday?" she asks me.

Yes, I respond.

Laura's last Chemo was Thursday, and of course her last Neulasta was Friday. Will soon be cause for celebration. "soon" because we still have a couple days of unpleasantness to get through, but by Wednesday I expect she'll be running two miles on the treadmill.

And, of course she has to go out with a bang. This morning she goes into the downstairs bathroom and sits down on the floor. OK, that's an improvement over the last couple times. I go to check on her. A few seconds later, she's going completely unresponsive, pallid lips, eyes rolling backwards into her head (!), and starts breathing like our dog Wallace (cross between an old man snoring and a buzz saw). Like that for 10 - 15 seconds.

She's fine now, or at least normal for the Sunday after chemo. Lying in bed, will soon be asleep.

up...and down

2008-07-20T09:52:00.005-04:00

Now Sunday morning, 3 days after Laura's 5th chemo treatment.

For the most part, I'd say it's actually the mildest set of side effects yet. Modest nausea (though in the middle of the night there was some), less fatigue than before (she was actually up & about for a good part of yesterday).

On the other hand, this morning I went downstair to fetch a cup of coffee for her. I'm almost done making the coffee, and I hear a modest groan from upstairs. "OK," I think to myself, "that doesn't sound real good. But knowing Laura, probably its a sign that she really wants her coffee." I finish getting the coffee in the cup, and take it upstairs to her.

I see her sprawled out, on her back, on the bathroom floor. Eyes open, lips pallid.

It took her a few seconds before she would respond to me (and I had coffee for her, so this was unusual!). I'd say she was about 10 seconds away from my calling 911, but then she did acknowledge my existence.

At this point, she's fine. Complaining that I'm now overprotective, and presently asleep again, but fine. She claims she didn't fall, she just decided to rest...suddenly...on the bathroom floor.

Just another post-chemo weekend.

Well, here we are

2008-07-18T14:13:00.000-04:00

I know, its like I've abandoned the blog. Didn't mean to, just trying (somewhat successfully, but only somewhat) to not have cancer as the central element of my life.

Laura had chemo yesterday. Today we are at the dr office for neulasta, and then I tend to her for the weekend. ("Oh cabana boy! I need some banana bread please.")

I think she looks very cute in that hat.

Waiting for her blood to be tested

2008-07-01T14:50:00.000-04:00

Here we are again. Not at the fishtank dr's office, this is the other one.

But Laura's feeling pretty well, relatuvely speaking. I think she'll be able to chase after the kids at the beach this weekend, while I sip on margaritas.

Quick update for Chemo #4

2008-06-29T10:08:00.003-04:00

This chemo session is roughly similar to the 1st chemo session -- some fatigue, some modest nausea, general feeling of yuckiness but few horrendous moments (oreo over-indulgence aside). She took a few naps yesterday. We played a game of scrabble...I would have easily won, if not for her "I have cancer and you don't" 100 bonus points. Last night around 9:45pm we went to WalMart and bought her a few puzzles, which she's working on right now.

Oh, and tonight we're having Chicken Lasagna from the freezer. I expect by September she'll be free of cancer and I'll be free of any pants which fit.

Status of Chemo #4

2008-06-28T07:48:00.004-04:00

On Thursday afternoon, Laura was the proud recipient of Chemo Infusion #4 (of 6 total). Let's review:
1. First three infusions were back in the April/May time frame, and included three drugs ("A" "C" and "T")
2. The side effects of chemo are generally cumulative -- she felt crappier after the 3rd infusion than the 1st.
3. But it's been 9 weeks since infusion #3, since she had to pause for the mastectomy. She is now fuzzy.
4. Her tumors had a "complete pathological response" to the chemo -- there were no signs of the cancerous cells in the breast tissue that was removed. (This is very good.)
5. We removed one of the drugs, the "A", from the rotation, since with all six doses it causes a 2% chance of heart failure, which at this point is comparable to the (or greater) than the reduction in mortality it confers with respect to cancer.
6. Thursday morning (pre-chemo) she ran 3 miles on the treadmill.

So, with the "A" removed and the cumulative aspect possibly back to the beginning, there's been a fair bit of uncertainty how she'd feel. It's now Saturday morning, which is when things tended to go downhill following the prior chemo's, so we'll still have to see. But for yesterday:
a. She ran 3 miles on the treadmill,
b. She did get fairly nauseous in the evening, but
c. It may have had something to do with her eating an entire row of Mint Double-Stuff Oreo's. Hmmm.

Will report back tonight or tomorrow with an update.

Don't want to blog

2008-06-24T06:36:00.003-04:00

As my faithful readers can tell, I haven't blogged much of late.

On the one hand, maybe it's a sign that I'm just lazy.

On the other hand, maybe it's a sign that I rather like life returning to some degree of normal, just as Laura likes feeling well and having peach-fuzz atop her head. By not blogging, perhaps I'm able to stay in denial that it's all about to start up again, as we proceed with the next 3 doses of chemo.

But denial-through-inaction lasts only so long. This afternoon we see the oncologist for clearance to begin the next chemo round, presumably for this coming Thursday. So here we go...

4am again

2008-06-19T03:54:00.002-04:00

OK, it's 4am. I've been awake for 45 minutes. Ridiculous.

Woke up to a weird dream. Is there any other kind of dream? Maybe if you're flying or late to a test, I suppose.

Mind racing too much now, mostly about work. Cancer hasn't really been much of an issue lately, which is also a bit weird. Laura's head is quite fuzzy. Does this mean that in a few months, after the next batch of 3 chemo's, life will feel normal again?

Sorry I haven't blogged recently...

2008-06-15T20:00:00.005-04:00

But I think these pictures give you some sense of what's kept me busy of late.

Laura's feeling pretty well. She got "inflated" a bit on Friday, and then we went off to the condo. Chemo #4 starts in about 11 or 12 days.

Is it hot out here, or is it just me?

2008-06-07T19:28:00.002-04:00

Saturday night, watching "Dinosaurs" movie at the condo.

Laura overdid it a bit yesterday, so today she wisely moderated. She was outside for an hour or so, but otherwise chilled inside the condo. Particularly since it was in the mid-90's outside. Smart girl. The boys & I cooled in the Bay, swimming & hunting sea creatures. Laura took two (!) naps.

That said, she's also continuing to move down the narcotics & painkiller ladder. Which is of course a very good sign.

That's all.

Update, plus some good news

2008-06-05T14:05:00.003-04:00

Uupdate. Laura's feeling better each day. Continues to wean off the heavier narcotic, and moving onto the light narcotic.

The good news: pathology report from the mastectomy came back. I've gotten it 3rd hand, but as I understand the report, no sign of cancerous cells in the breast tissue at all. I.e., the initial 3 doses of chemo were as effective as could be. Still makes sense to do the remaining 3 doses, though we're still planning to remove the one cardio-toxic drug from the mix.

Having Mar here is great! I'm able to go to work pretty freely. When I came home yesterday, they were sitting on her lap all watching The Waterhorse while Laura lay down upstairs.

And Mar saw a turtle crossing our driveway yesterday during dinnertime (we were sitting outside), which the boys certainly found entertaining! (Question: why did the turtle cross the road? Answer: to get away from my boys.) (Follow on question: why did the Caribou cross the road?....)

The weekend is supposed to be blazing hot, so tomorrow I'm the advance party out to the condo -- I'll work from there -- and the crew will follow immediately after Jack gets out of school. I figure at the beach itself we'll put up the big umbrella, and cover up Laura with a few layers of tin foil.

No longer a cyborg

2008-06-03T12:39:00.002-04:00

This morning, Laura went to the plastic surgeon's office again. This time, happily, to have the drains removed. (Medical tubing was installed in her chest during the initial operation on Friday. These drain the fluid that would otherwise accumulate in her tissue following the surgery. Much to my parents' astonishment, I actually was able to empty the drains for her twice a day without fainting or curling up in the corner like a scared puppy. Perhaps now I'll be permitted to use the family chainsaw...)

So Laura is napping -- sense a trend anyone? -- and I'm happily chugging away on work.

Late this afternoon Laura's Aunt Mar flies into town to help for a week. Things aren't too hard right now, but having the extra hands will make it much easier. I'll take the boys with me to the airport to pick her up. I anticipate Ben putting on his maximum cuteness to woo her.

Visiting hours today: 2pm - 8pm.

Another stairmaster update

2008-06-02T12:06:00.000-04:00

Several status updates:
1. Laura had a fever yesterday, but all is well.
2. we went to surgeon's office this morning. Checked out fine.
3. Got new prescription for (milder) narcotics. Laura hoping to not be quite so loopy.
4. So I've dropped off prescription, exercing while they fill it. Laura's napping.

Usual ups n downs, but good trajectory.

Sunday Morning

2008-06-01T10:45:00.001-04:00

Laura's asleep and I'm composing this via cell phone, on a stairmaster, at the YMCA. So only a brief update.

Last night was good for a while, but around 5am Laura went into the bathroom and fell. She was fine - mentioned this morning that the rug in there looks very different from 2 inches away - but a bit scary.

All is much better now. We walked half a mile outside. And she had some standard-issue banana bread.

Visiting hours today: noon - 7pm.

Saturday Update

2008-05-31T13:59:00.002-04:00

Probably the last update for the day: We were discharged, and have now (2pm) arrived home. Laura immediately ate a banana and went to sleep. Both of which are good things.

The freezers are absurdly full of food. I'm just eating some leftovers. Fairly mundane status, and mundane is good.

And, visitors are welcome. Visiting hours today are from 4pm to 8pm.

The next morning...

2008-05-31T08:23:00.003-04:00

Wow, the blog had 60 visitors yesterday. Clearly the beginning of my career as a media tycoon.

Laura had an OK night. Broken sleep, periodic morphine, etc., but no acute problems.

I have fetched her a hazelnut latte around 7am, which she's been happily sipping, made her toast which she's happily eaten, and she ate some of the hospital breakfast as well. She's been walking laps around the hospital wing (hey, it was a strong latte). So far so good. No doctors to check on her yet, so still not sure if we'll be going home today or staying another night.

Amusement: entering the elevator with the latte, and another coffee in hand for myself, I press the button for our floor. Which is also the floor for post-partem and the nursery. So here I am, quite unshaven, tired, with two grandes in hand, and one of the ladies in the elevator understandably asks, "New Dad?" Ummm, nope, not exactly.

Last update for the night

2008-05-30T18:55:00.004-04:00

First, thanks to all for your encouragement, good thoughts, prayers, etc. (Oh, and special thanks for clicking on the occasional google ad on the blog...we collect a few nickels each time, which is going into the post-chemo bottle-of-wine fund).

Laura napped a bit, got a little more morphine, ate some broth with fat rice noodles from Mekong (the official restaurant of Laura's breast cancer), surfed the web, and now she's asleep (or pretending to be asleep...can never trust these cancer patients, you know). I suspect she'll be fine to be discharged tomorrow morning.

As for myself -- I'm just chillin' out now. Not much to do, which is fine, and haven't gone too stir crazy. I actually found myself much less anxious than last time with the node biopsy surgery. Maybe because I had more time in advance expecting this, maybe because I had gone through the surgical waiting game before, maybe because the node biopsy had more uncertainty of prognosis (i.e., had the cancer moved to the lymph nodes). Regardless, a good thing to have merely a "high" level of anxiety rather than an "off the charts" level.

OK, that's it for tonight...I'll provide an update tomorrow morning.

Update 2:45pm

2008-05-30T14:46:00.004-04:00

Laura was rolled into her room a little after 2pm, bright eyed and pretty chipper. Actually in better spirits and comfort than I expected, so now I'm optimistic we'll probably be able to check out tomorrow morning.

Now she's resting.

Update: 12:30pm

2008-05-30T12:31:00.003-04:00

OK, just spoke to Laura's plastic surgeon. (Who seems quite excellent, I have to say.)

Laura did well in the surgery. Very little blood loss.
Laura is now in the main recovery area. I'm not allowed there, so I'll be hanging out another hour or so here in the waiting area.
Laura is apparently awake, semi-coherent, aware of her surroundings, etc.

That's it for now. Next update around 4pmish.

Update 11:00am

2008-05-30T11:19:00.003-04:00

Just got an update around 11am. Laura is doing well in the surgery. The oncology surgeon finished around 10:45, and the plastic surgeon has been working since then. I'll get another update from them when the plastic surgeon is done, and then Laura will be in the recovery area for another 90 minutes.

So I'm going to be here in the waiting area for the next few hours. But I've got a couple guys here babysitting me. Expect another update by around 1pm.

Waiting, part 1

2008-05-30T06:34:00.000-04:00

OK, here we are all registered and waiting for Laura to be called in. But no fishtank, and no coffee yet either.

Not much to say (but that's never stopped me before)

2008-05-28T21:58:00.006-04:00

Not much to say, but feel like I should be writing something. Laura's surgery is about 36 hours away. We have resigned ourselves to not necessarily getting good sleep, to some extent tonight and particularly tomorrow night.

The boys miss me. I was away on business last night. This evening Jack makes special mention to me that tomorrow is field day, and if I want I can come at 8:45 tomorrow for their assembly in the gym. Or I can come for lunch, but he's not quite sure when that is. But I can definitely come at 8:45.

Tomorrow night the boys will sleep over at their Nanny's house, since we'll need to leave for the hospital Friday morning by 5:30am. Then they'll be picked up by friends for the weekend (and taken to Great Wolf Lodge...they will be happy kids when they learn that plan!). It's definitely the right plan, and the best plan. But I may need to find a way to make sure they get good attention from me soon after they come back.

When Laura had the sentinal node surgery, I was surprised at how much I reacted (worry, anxiety, stress, inability to concentrate while waiting for her, etc). I'm expecting more of the same this time 'round.

Fast

2008-05-26T06:07:00.006-04:00

It's Memorial Day.
I'm first to wake up this morning -- the boys were quite exhausted from nearly six hours playing on the beach yesterday. As you can see in the picture, they made a friend. (Or, as Benny would say, "a fwend.")

It's Monday, which means the surgery is basically upon us. Not technically, but time will go by very fast now. Today we drive home in the morning, go lizard hunting in the early afternoon, and then Laura & I will go out to a dinner and a movie (thanks to a babysitter). Tuesday I go to NYC for business, and come back Wednesday, so that will feel like an instant. Thursday we get organized. Then Friday...wait a minute, there is no "Friday" -- as Laura and I said to each other, Friday doesn't really exist.

Sleepless

2008-05-24T02:05:00.004-04:00

Ahh, Memorial Day weekend. The sun, the surf, the insomnia.

We left yesterday morning and pulled into Virginia Beach around 10:45. Ben had fallen asleep, but as promised we woke him up just before entering the tunnel. (Jack: "Benny, this is my third time seeing the tunnel this year. This is your first.") Though the weather was a tad chilly -- high of 69 -- and the water was frigid, the boys spent just under 4 hours outside playing, swimming, finding sea creatures, etc.

At one point yesterday, Laura took a nap. Mistake. The boys were exhausted and went to bed without complaint just after 7:30pm. I was exhausted and went to bed without complaint just shy of 9pm. Laura went to bed and couldn't fall asleep, given the nap and a general state of processing the upcoming surgery.

Now, of course, it's around 2am. I woke up an hour ago, just as Laura was getting closer to falling asleep. So, we're taking turns with insomnia. There must be some clever line to write about that (like: yeah, I knew her cancer wasn't contagious, but I never thought I'd catch insomnia from her) but it's 2am, I'm awake, and thus I cannot really think of it.

Glad to be Busy

2008-05-21T07:49:00.003-04:00

Writing this from Northern Virginia now, as I stayed over last night.

Laura's surgery is looming, 9 days from now. I must admit, I am very happy to have a very busy schedule between now and then. Lots of work to do with only a modest amount of business travel. Long Memorial Day weekend coming up, with the whole family going to Virginia Beach for a few days. Someone is babysitting the boys on Monday afternoon, so maybe Laura & I can go see Ironman at the theater.

There's really not much to do (or not much that I've figured out I should be doing) at this point in preparation for the surgery, so I'm glad to have other things on which to stay focused.

Oh, my, god!

2008-05-17T18:54:00.005-04:00

So the four of us (Jack, Ben, Laura, me) are playing the "Funny Face" game (see attached box cover). We play, and construct our faces one piece at a time. Then the boys & I put on a little play, with each of us controlling one of the funny faces as a character.

It devolves into each of us being funny with our own funny-face character. Then Jack takes his character, states "Look, I have cancer!" and removes the hair from his funny face.

Well, at least he's not overly distraught about his mother's condition....

Getting ready...sort of

2008-05-14T19:20:00.002-04:00

Laura's done with school for the summer, and feeling relatively well.

So...I'm working hard, getting back to a "normal" work schedule of traveling two nights a week. B.C.D. (Before Cancer Diagnosis) this was my regular schedule, and we had actually gotten into a bit of a routine. When kids were annoying, I would ask "Can I go to Cleveland now?" When I was annoying, Laura would ask "Can you go to Cleveland now?"

But this is A.C.D., and I don't think anything fits into our routine anymore.

Just over two weeks away 'til surgery, and we're getting ready...sort of.

Agitation

2008-05-10T13:32:00.005-04:00

I think I'm beginning to "process" upcoming surgery etc. Today was the Komen race-for-the-cure. Jack ran the kids race and Laura ran the regular 5k. (Pictures to come later.) I was sherpa and Ben's pony.

Being among the crowds bothered me. I'm usually an introvert, but I found myself unusually agitated. Afterwards we went to the synogogue for bagels (of course), since there was a congregation team (I believe Jack was the biggest fundraiser on the whole team...seriously) for the race. Again, I found myself quite uncomfortable with all the discussion about breast cancer, and even the truly kind attention Laura was receiving from the other participants.

Now I'm chilling out a bit in a bookstore. Which helps. But I have to monitor myself, I realize, starting right about now.

Dog for Sale

2008-05-09T07:08:00.003-04:00

For sale: annoying dog. Pureblood American Standard Poigle (1/2 pointer, 1/2 beagle).

Weighs approximately 58 pounds.
Terrible breath.
Frequentyly scoots. (If you don't know what this entails...don't ask.)
Rather homely looking.
Prone to a variety of vet-bill-inducing medical issues.
Extremely scared of thunderstorms, particularly at 2am when his owners, who don't already have enough on their minds, are trying to get a good night's sleep.
Good with kids.

$20 cash-and-carry. (You carry him out, I'll give ya $20.)

Please call 1-804-GLU-FACT for more information.

That damn fishtank

2008-05-08T14:58:00.001-04:00

Here we are again. This appointment is the "pre-op" meeting with the surgical oncologists nurse practitioner. While Laura has finished up the semester (5 A's and still waiting on the last one, by golly!), and is past most of the ill effects of the chemo...now the preparations and thinking about surgery will be the weight on our minds.

UPDATE 5/10/08: Make that straight-A's for the semester.

All clear ...

2008-05-06T14:30:00.003-04:00

Brief update: had a great time at the beach. Boys were fairly well behaved, and the weather was quite nice. The Bay was like bathwater...in a house that doesn't have a water heater, mind you!

Laura continues to feel better each day, and I suspect she's almost comfortable now. Tomorrow is her last test for this semester, and then she's done until August. Happy happy.

Moving Right Along...still

2008-05-02T15:13:00.004-04:00

Despite beautiful weather outside and some decent progress at work, I'm once again stressed. We're in the "2nd week doldrums" -- Laura's not horribly nauseated or fatigued, but continuous low level discomfort.

We found a caterpillar with a purple belly. This excited the boys quite a bit. It's likely to become an outside pet. They have named it Chrysalissy Cocoonny [Honig]. They are about as creative as their father -- note again the name of this blog.

If the weather forecast holds, I'll likely take the boys to the beach tomorrow afternoon through Sunday. It would be nice to get away & do something very fun. Alas, I think Laura will choose to not join us so she can study. (By the way, please note & fill in the survey on the top-right of the blog...)

Follow-on Update

2008-04-29T20:11:00.003-04:00

Health update:

Laura's starting to feel better re: nausea & fatigue. Not well, but better, which I'm fairly happy with. She ran 1 mile on the treadmill.
Laura's fever is pretty much gone. Good news.
Laura's starting to get unhappy about the upcoming mastectomy. Understandable.
Laura's commenting on my high-stress, high-anxiety levels. Understandable.

Blog Update:

The advertisements I've placed on the blog (see above, and on the right side towards the bottom) have made over $100 so far! Yes, I am going to monetize my wife's cancer.
(For those who think I'm a terrible human being because I'm making $$$ off my wife's cancer, the mitigating factor is, I suppose, that it'll go to a good cause. Most likely a fine bottle of wine. Once Laura enjoys wine again. And as long as she's willing to share.)
This blog now comes up as the 5th or 6th listing when you google 'Caribou Honig.' I met up with an old co-worker of mine for lunch today, and after I shared with him our current situation, he said "I know...I googled you and saw the blog." Well, avoids a certain awkwardness I suppose.

Unrelated Update:

Jack has no idea what I do for a living. In class they read a book, "Lots of Jobs," and the kindergardeners were supposed to share with their class what their parents do. Jack writes: "My Dad sometimes works in Ohio. But Other times he works in Northern Virginia." Well, at least he notices when I'm away.
His teacher suggested that I explain what I do, and let her know so that Jack can share it with the class. Hell, I'm not sure my DAD understands what I do for a living, yet alone to my 6 year old.
Then again, my dad still doesn't think I should be allowed to use a chainsaw. Then again, he's probably right about that.

Craziness

2008-04-28T11:38:00.003-04:00

Just taking a moment here to review "a typical day" in the life of a 37-year-old breast cancer husband.

Woke up at 6:15am, small boy asking to snuggle in bed. Quite nice, actually.
Took larger boy to bus-stop at 7:15. Small boy accompanied us. While waiting for bus, direct small boy to go about 200 feet to investigate dead (crushed) turtle. Yup, it's dead.
Played tickles with small boy, stuffed snake, and wife.
Began working on slides from home at 8am.
Gave pets & various drugs & more pets to sick wife. Continued to work on slides after she falls asleep.
Receive phone call from school nurse (!). Larger boy's eyes are puffy.
Make appointment for larger boy for this afternoon. Calendar now booked solid from noon to, technically, 7pm. Ha ha ha. Chances of everything going OK: roughly 0%.

Well, at least it's raining outside.

Update for Sunday

2008-04-27T13:46:00.004-04:00

Last night was fine, with Laura going to bed at 7:30 and getting out of bed around 8 this morning. That's what a I call a chemo-success.

However, this morning she came down with a solid fever (101.4). Chemo-hubby is on the job! Called the doctor's office, got instructions, antibiotics & tylenol. Yee-hah. She's a little better now.

As for myself...finding that I'm in good spirits as long as I stay in motion throughout the day. Whether it's dishes, due diligence for work, dishing food for the dogs, or digging in the garden, I'm happy to be occupied. Is this because it helps me avoid "processing" what's going on (or the upcoming surgery...Laura's beginning to think about that, but I want to get past this chemo treatment before I ponder the subject), or because it reduces the anxiety of 'stuff' to be done, I'm not sure. Either way, at least the dishes are clean now.

Moving Right Along

2008-04-26T15:29:00.002-04:00

Mainly a simple update now. Laura seems to be doing better this time 'round than after the last infusion. She's resting a fair bit, but not as wiped out. When she's awake, she's more like her normal self (e.g., witty & sarcastic).

We just had the kids back for an hour, which was nice in terms of not forgetting what they look like but also passing them back over to friends so we have one less (ok, two less) things to worry about.

Yesterday my anxiety levels started to get pretty high. Today I'm feeling somewhat better -- I've gotten a some stuff done, which is helping me to relax a little. If I put away laundry, I'll be really ahead of the game.

(Hmmm, just realized that I took the sheets off the bed but didn't get to put new ones on yet. Now Laura is lying down up there. Oh Well.)

When everyone is asleep...

2008-04-24T21:00:00.003-04:00

...this is what happens:

Here we go again...

2008-04-24T15:03:00.002-04:00

Infusion #3. We'll see how it goes this time. But now I'm off to grab some vietnamese food to bring back to the cheerful patient.

All smiles again

2008-04-21T12:31:00.002-04:00

We're waiting at the oncologist's office for the weekly checkup. They really do need a fishtank here. And for some reason I can't quite figure out, Laura was getting some funny stares in the waiting area...

Normal people

2008-04-19T06:49:00.005-04:00

This weekend we are acting like normal people.

We'll be heading up to Washington, D.C. with the kids, and checking out the Smithsonian. Ben's "into" animals and Jack is still "into" space, so the Natural History Museum and the Air & Space Museum are our destinations. Dan, a friend of Laura's from the Air Force who lives in Old Town Alexandria (in Northern Virginia), will meet us.

From there, our plan is to head to Old Town and give full ownership of the boys to Dan for the night. Meanwhile, I've booked a night at a romantic hotel, the Hotel Monaco, for Laura & me.

And to get especially handsome, I got my haircut by Laura yesterday. At least Laura's hair will grow back in a few months.

Beginning to think about next steps...

2008-04-17T15:48:00.004-04:00

...or not, if I can help it.

Laura's beginning to think about -- and emotionally start coming to grip with -- getting the double mastectomy. Remember, that's scheduled for May 30, only about 6 weeks away. Now that we have started to understand what chemo entails, our minds are wandering to the next horrible unknown.

I'm avoiding "processing" if I can. I'd like to wait until we're through the next chemo treatment (a week from today) and Laura finishes out the semester (2nd week of May). I suspect I'll begin to deal with it before then, however.

It's not actually the whole "Laura won't have breasts" thing which I'm avoiding. I got my hands around that one (no pun intended) a while ago, at least as much as I can until it happens. It's more the "my wife's undergoing major surgery." Given the extent to which I freaked out when she had the sentinel node biopsy, I expect to be fairly insane around the time of this next surgery.

Better than DEET ?

2008-04-14T18:30:00.003-04:00

Today's topic: mosquitos.

Usually during the warm months I can go outside in the early evening and get minimal mosquito bites. How, you might ask? Not through traditional bug-repellants like OFF or non-traditional repellants like skin-so-soft. Oh no, I prefer a simpler method: I use Laura as bait!

For whatever reason, 4 out of 5 mosquitos surveyed prefer Laura.

Here's the bad part: it appears Chemo is a bug-repellant of amazing strength. The other night Laura & I were sitting on the front porch, and was the subject of no fewer than TWO bites. Laura hadn't even noticed a single bugger. I'm inferring that the mosquitos take one sniff of her chemo'd blood, say "ewww" and move on to greener [husbandier] pastures. Damn.

Support Group

2008-04-11T14:50:00.006-04:00

It's been a difficult, stressful, occasionally tense week, for both Laura and myself.

At least the weather is turning nice, and my garden seems to be doing well.

Observation for the Breast Cancer Husband: very important to have a support group of some form. I don't necessarily mean a traditional, "Hi, I'm Caribou, and I'm an alcoholic" support group. Last night I went out with a few guy friends, had a couple beers, and let off some steam. Very important. I'm feeling a hell of a lot better now.

Update...and a boo-boo

2008-04-07T20:19:00.004-04:00

Update for Monday:

Laura's doing much better. I'm not sure she even realizes how much better she's doing today, since yesterday she slept nearly the whole day. She's been eating moderately, wrote a paper for school, and been fairly coherent.
I spent most of the day working from home, and was actually fairly productive.

Separately...and completely unrelated, but rather cute...Ben got a boo-boo. It's a little hard to make out in this picture, but it's on his side towards the bottom.

Cancercation Suggestions

2008-04-06T10:30:00.003-04:00

Readers: I'm beginning to look for a "cancercation" destination for myself & Laura, basically over Chrismas week or New Year's week -- have to coordinate with Jack's school schedule.

We'll likely be going from Tampa, FL, and I'm thinking something warm/caribbean, for a week. Willing to spend between $2,000 - $5,000 for seven night's lodging.

So...here's your chance...reply to this posting with comment, offering suggestions & recommendations. The more specific, the better (like "this B&B on this island" rather than "Mexico"), and particularly places you've enjoyed or someone else you know has visited and enjoyed.

Thanks for the help!

Getting tough

2008-04-05T20:56:00.002-04:00

Update for 2 days after 2nd chemo:

Laura's very tired. Very tired. If she's the same way tomorrow, I'll probably have her call the doctor.
More nausea this time around than after the 1st chemo.
She's mostly living off banana bread muffins and turkey soup.
My anxiety levels are through the roof.

But I did work out today, go to Costco, and plant a bunch of stuff in the garden. Felt very good to do stuff in the garden...simple things that I was able to get right.

And my god! we have a lot of food coming from people! I'm going to weigh 300 pounds by the time Laura is healthy again!

Simple Update

2008-04-05T08:08:00.003-04:00

Wanted to provide an update for folks on Laura.

She had Chemo on Thursday, and the Neulasta yesterday. (The latter is the auxiliary drug to stimulate blood cell production. She's been somewhat nauseated, but not terrible. She's very tired, but I'm happy that she's pretty much just sleeping off the ill effects.

That's about it...the boys are at friends again, and now I'm off to the gym, dry cleaners, and Costco (in case you were curious).

Reality Check

2008-04-03T09:34:00.003-04:00

I realized a few days ago that my recent blog has given an overly rosy impression of our experience. Lot's of smiley pictures in cute wigs.

Laura's hair began to abandon ship a few days ago. Tuesday she shaved down. Now she's getting mild headaches 'cause her head is cold. She's also consistently tired by late afternoon.

My anxiety level is sky-high. Two nights ago I went to bed at 11pm and woke, unable to fall back asleep, at 3am. Same story about four nights ago.

Laura & I had an argument, as all couples do, on Tuesday night. But how the hell do you have an argument with your wife when she's got cancer? Is there any alternative but to say, Yes Dear You're Right.

Here's a good catch-22, for any breast-cancer husbands out there. [But first, a note: men will surely appreciate this. I don't know if women will, so read at your own risk.] [That last note probably guarantees 100% of women will continue reading now!] Do you say, "Honey, you look fine without hair, it's not a big deal to me"? If yes: you're minimizing her ordeal. If no: you're not being supportive during her ordeal.

We're coping. But not actually smiling so much right now.

And once again...

2008-03-28T13:04:00.001-04:00

Waiting at a doctor's office. But this time wearing a very cute hat!

Hair? We don't need no hair!

2008-03-28T11:00:00.004-04:00

It has begun -- Laura's beginning to shed.

Again, Laura is taking control of the timing. We got out the clippers this morning, and I shaved her down to a no-guard.

A Night Away

2008-03-25T21:08:00.001-04:00

Tonight I'm at a hotel in Northern Virginia, away overnight for work.
My first night away since the chemo began.

Laura's in pretty good shape, a bit tired but now back to sleeping alright.

Some internal turmoil: am I a bad "breast cancer husband" for wanting
to get onsite at work, even if it means I'm away for a night?

My answer: I know that my anxiety levels would go through the roof if
I didn't go on this trip. If she were feeling ill where I could be
doing stuff for her (fetching orange juice or ginger ale is my
preference),, that would be a different story. But otherwise, I feel
a need to make something - anything, really - good and useful happen.

So on the theory that a high anxiety Caribou is not the best Caribou
for the family...I think it's the right answer for me to be here
tonight.

Video of Head Shaving Party

2008-03-23T13:33:00.008-04:00

Here it is...

Probably won't win an Oscar, but if there's anyone out there reading this blog who's not yet begun treatment, this video might be worth watching.

Head Shaving Party -- initial photos

2008-03-22T16:55:00.005-04:00

Before:

After:

Blue???

Brief Update...

2008-03-22T07:56:00.002-04:00

Happy happy, joy joy. Laura got 9 hours of ativan-induced sleep. Case in point: last night at 9pm she lies down in bed, snuggles up to her pillow (leaving me with the pillow that Wallace was licking yesterday morning), places her cold toes between my legs, and falls asleep.

Plus, no nausea, not much fatigue, etc. I think we're on the upswing, which is good since things were feeling fairly bleak over the past few days. (The two-day gap in blog entries gives you a clue...I may fill them in with a little hindsight, we'll see.)

At noon today is the head-shaving party! We have about 27 people RSVP'd at this point, so it really will be a Honig-Thickburger worthy party. Check back later for pictures, maybe a video!

And don't forget to click on one of those google-advertisements on the top-right of this blog...

Sleep?

2008-03-21T13:34:00.004-04:00

At oncologist's office now. Despite the picture below, having big issues with sleeping and hot flashes.

Quiz: what's it mean when all the kids have on sweaters?
Answer: mom's cold.

Head Shaving Party

2008-03-18T21:18:00.002-04:00

Well, Laura has certainly moved from "acceptance" and into "exploration." She's scheduled a head-shaving party for this coming Saturday. Anyone reading this is welcome to join, no head-shaving required. There will be burgers & beer. I'll be getting my usual "1-guard" with the clippers (or maybe a sympathy no-guard, we'll just have to see). The boys will be getting haircuts too, which they need, and Laura will be taking...pre-emptive action.

On the other hand, I'm no longer allowed to take a daily picture of her. You know, like how people take a daily picture of a woman when she's pregnant to create a time-lapse. In the same way I think it helped her come to grips with the initial diagnosis, being able to see pictures of mastectomy patients online, I think a time lapse from the start of chemo to the end of reconstruction would have been good. But I know, I know: it's not my decision. (she says: "you have no cancer...you get no vote.")

And I'm still really unable to relax. I was going to write "...and I'm not sure why" but I suppose that would be stupid.

She's feeling better

2008-03-17T15:56:00.005-04:00

Happy to report, Laura seems to be on the upswing. She's talking on the phone right now, and I can hear in her voice that she's feeling much better.

Now, I'm desperately trying to reverse my cancer-stress weight gain. (We're almost through the banana bread.) I've had about 1,200 calories so far today, aiming to max out at 1,700 today. Since her diagnosis, I've been eating & eating. I'd like my pants to still fit when Laura's through with the chemo.

Finally -- we're sticking with the first plastic surgeon Laura met last week, Dr. Blanchet. So May 30 is still the date for surgery. I'm just waiting for when it's time to "make a selection..." (Think Jack or Ben in a toy store: I want one of those, and one of those, and one of those...)

Waiting...but no fishtank

2008-03-17T11:08:00.001-04:00

Once again waiting at a doctor's office. This time a potential plastic surgeon, Dr. Pozez, for the reconstruction.

Laura's feeling about the same, maybe a little better than yesterday. She reports a metallic taste in her mouth, so picking up hard candy will be next task on the list.

Less Steady

2008-03-16T08:11:00.003-04:00

1. Update on Laura. She's OK, but not feeling great. Like a mild flu. Which is still a lot better than it could have been. And this is the first day without taking the steriod or the emend anti-nausea medicine. She just lay down for a nap, which tells you something since it's 8:13am.

2. Update on schedule of events. This afternoon Laura has her first "Look Good Feel Better" meeting. Tomorrow we're meeting with a second plastic surgeon, though Laura really liked the first one she met last week.

3. Also note: assuming we stick with the first one, Laura's double mastectomy and initial reconstruction is now scheduled for May 30. (Coincidentally, that's our 9 year anniversary! Let's see, 1 year anniversary is paper, 5 year anniversary is wood, that's right, 9 year is silicon. We're such traditionalists.)

4. I'm a bit more relaxed than I was on Friday. Got some stuff done yesterday (taxes, searching for campsites for burning moose, etc.) and did a good job fetching ginger ale for Laura. Now I'll spend a few hours doing work; I'll feel better if I can catch up a bit on that. But also somewhat nervous about Laura's trajectory. Wait & see.

A Little Less Responsibility Goes a Long Way

2008-03-15T08:33:00.002-04:00

Yesterday afternoon, our friends took the boys for a sleep-over. This afternoon, they'll be making a "warm-transfer" of the boys over to another set of friends. Originally Laura scheduled this on the theory that she might be feeling quite ill from the chemo, but per my last post she's still doing quite well -- the worst was needing some ginger ale & anti-nausea medicine at 3am.

However, it turns out to have been quite important for a few other reasons, some obvious and some not.

The obvious was getting a better night's sleep, since our boys typically wake up between 5:30am - 6:30am and wake us up between 5:33am - 6:33am. Last night's sleep was interrupted a couple of times (3am nausea, the damn dogs), but we slept in past 8am! Almost unprecedented in the last 5 years, and quite refreshing.

The less obvious is the psychologic benefit of focusing entirely on ourselves for a couple days, rather than having to reserve some energy and attention for the boys. Love the boys, they're wonderful, blah blah blah, but even when they're being very good they remain a distinct responsibility. For myself, trying to give due attention to supporting Laura, starting the new work, and maybe taking an hour or two of Caribou Time, having a little less responsibility by offloading the boys for two days is quite refreshing.

Day-After-Chemo status report

2008-03-14T10:50:00.003-04:00

So far, so good. I'm working from home today, of course, to take care of Laura and we'll be going to the doctor's office this afternoon for a shot of Neulasta.

She just ran 3 miles on the treadmill a few minutes ago. She's off to the grocery store shortly.

Ridiculous. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or, more graphically, for the other shoe to fall on top of her. But for now, certainly very glad she's feeling so well.

Chemo #1 done

2008-03-13T14:11:00.002-04:00

And now of course we're at the Daily Grind. Laura's having the roasted veggie soup, I'm having cheese and potato chowder. Yum yum.

Hopefully I'll start to relax a little now.

Funtime at the Infusion Room

2008-03-13T12:08:00.002-04:00

Not much to say. The port is working fine, no immediate ill effects, all the nurses are nice. As you can see, Laura's still in a good mood. I'm just doing some work, and am on-call for fetching snacks as needed.

At the chemo waiting room now...

2008-03-13T10:30:00.002-04:00

But Laura is in a spectacularly good mood. Must be the 'roids.

Focus!

2008-03-12T11:08:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was a tough day for me. Tougher for me than for Laura, until late in the day at least. We left Great Wolf mid-morning, and I left for work just before noon.

Very difficult to focus on my work. Only a bit about the cancer, actually, and more about the transition from "kids" to "work." Which happens, not a big deal per se. But then knowing that I've got to deliver some goods for work, with Laura's upcoming chemo about to be my top priority, led to great anxiety.

I calmed down just in time for Laura to start getting upset. We're actually pretty good about passing the baton on that.

On a positive note, I've made good on my joke to start making money off this blog. Go ahead, click on the ads (towards the top-right of the page). Yesterday I made $0.82.

UPDATE: as of 3/14, I've now made $6.10. Keep those clicks coming!

A good day at Great Wolf

2008-03-10T19:40:00.001-04:00

We had a fine day today, playing on waterslides and now eating pizza. Very good to spend some pre-chemo family time together. Boys are tired. And I only thought about cancer a couple of times today!

Fun with cancer

2008-03-09T11:20:00.002-04:00

Well, at least the boys are having fun with their mom's new wig!

What to do about BRCA, part I

2008-03-07T20:52:00.005-05:00

I am now beginning to "process" that fact that Laura is BRCA1 positive. Prompted in part by the medical oncologist's (Dr. Evers) reaction to the news today. He clearly took it as materially bad news, with the basic punch line:
1. you will eventually want to get your [meaning Laura's, not mine] ovaries surgically removed
2. if you don't, by around age 40, you face a significant chance of developing ovarian cancer
3. there's essentially nothing to be done, either medically or via screening, to mitigate the risk (aside from removal)

Somewhat further perturbing, point (3) was contrary to what we had been told at the surgeon's office. We had been told -- when the BRCA status was still unknown -- that oral contraceptives could substantially (50%-ish) reduce the risk of ovarian cancer if you are BRCA positive.

So, onwards to the medical literature. So far I've found that research itself seems to have conflicting results:
Yes, oral contraceptives mitigate the risk for BRCA1-positive people:
Article #1
Article #2 (abstract only)
Article #3
No, no benefit for BRCA1-positive people:
Article #4

By the way, if anyone reading this has knowledge/citations of other research on this topic, please feel quite free to provide such in a comment.

Kindness of Sam

2008-03-07T19:26:00.005-05:00

Today I was at the Daily Grind, a coffee shop in Short Pump (outside of Richmond) which Laura & I frequent. I spent about four hours there this morning drinking coffee, eating a panini sandwich, and putting together slides for work.

Laura had let the proprietor, Sam, know about the cancer (though I'm not sure exactly how it came up -- "I'd like a double mocha tamoxifen, hold the whipped cream please?"). Regardless, on my way out Sam calls me over to the counter. If we don't mind, he has a couple items he'd like to give us. O-kay.

He hands me two boxes of quasi-medicinal tea, and, much to my surprise, a ceramic teapot.

I am rather overwhelmed right now. Not by the having too much to do, not by BRCA worries (well, actually I am overwhelmed by BRCA worries right now, but that's besides the point). In this moment I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the kindness of Sam.

If you happen to be in the vicinity of the Daily Grind, stop by, order a latte, and tell Sam thanks on our behalf.

Echocardiogram done.

2008-03-07T14:43:00.002-05:00

Today was a busy cancer day. Discussion of chemotherapy drugs with oncologist's office. Baseline echocardiogram. Post-op maintenance from the sentinel node biopsy.

BRCA

2008-03-06T16:58:00.003-05:00

First, the news. Laura's genetic testing came back, and she is BRCA1 positive. This is moderately bad news, as it means significantly raised risk of breast cancer recurrence and ovarian cancer as well. It makes the choice to schedule a double mastectomy rather than a single mastectomy fairly straightforward, but the ovarian cancer risk is an issue we'll have to figure out.

Tomorrow is EKG & filling forms for chemo.

At the moment, I'm not ready to deal with researching BRCA & associated implications in detail. I'm surprised that I'm not, since usually I'm a data junkie in this kind of situation. And I'm sure one of these nights I'll fuel some insomnia. But not yet, not right now. I simply don't want to process it yet.

I'm feeling slightly numb. Not indifferent, not unsympathetic, but a bit numb.

Waiting...but nice fish

2008-03-05T12:11:00.000-05:00

We are waiting at surgeon's office for follow-up to last week's surgery. 40 minute wait. But nice fishtank.

Upcoming Schedule

2008-03-04T03:32:00.002-05:00

I don't have a lot to say. Yes, it's 3:35am and I've been up for two hours, but since we went to bed at 8:38pm last night, I'm not too surprised. At least we tucked in the boys and not the other way around.

So here's the schedule:
Friday: I meet the oncologist & Laura gets a few baseline tests.
Sunday - Tuesday: family outing to Great Wolf Lodge! This had originally been a Laura-Jack event, but we've added Caribou & Benny to the fun.
Wednesday: up to NoVa for work, and back that evening.
Thursday: 1st Chemo treatment.

and so it goes.

A new phase...overwhelm

2008-02-29T19:50:00.004-05:00

Laura & I have entered a new phase now...overwhelm.

For my part, there's simply not enough time to do everything. Maybe I can take care of Laura appropriately and do what I need to for work. Having just begun what is close to a once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity, I'm pretty committed to try. But I figure I can run at 120% of capacity for six months and make it work.

Then I add in really being there for Jack & Ben, and I'm not sure.

Then I add in time "for me" and who the hell knows. The other night Laura & I were talking, and she noticed I was fairly anxious about the cancer & everything it entails. She knows me, and suggests that I need to talk with someone -- to get it out of my system. She's right, but when? I don't even have time to be out of town one night for work: how can I go out for a beer?

This will pass. I realize that. We'll figure out a rhythm that works. Part of Laura's misery today was not realizing that I was going to be taking her to every chemo appointment -- she thought she needed to find someone to take her after the first. Crazy. But for the moment, we're just oscillating between anxiety and mental exhaustion.

Happy biopsy, happy drugs, happy patient

2008-02-26T11:00:00.004-05:00

Fairly good news

2008-02-26T10:10:00.003-05:00

Spoke with doctor, node biopsy went well. No signs of cancer in
nodes, all done under local anesthesia.

But this now feels very very real.

Update (2/28/08): Final results of node biopsy confirm no signs of cancer. No real "thrill of victory" with this news, just a bit of relief.

Surgical Waiting Area...

2008-02-26T08:34:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm now just hanging out in the surgical waiting area. Laura's undergoing the sentinel node bioposy.

I brought work to do, and my laptop. Compartmentalizing completely fails in the surgical waiting area. It's all but impossible to concentrate. I'm surprised, though of course it's not surprising to anyone reading this.

Just the Schedule

2008-02-23T20:10:00.003-05:00

I don't particularly feel like writing much, lately. I've been "processing" everything. So I'll mostly relay facts & schedule here.

We met with an oncologist Wednesday. Good doctor, great staff. Laura wanted to get a second opinion, so she met with another oncologist on Friday (I was out of town on work, so I couldn't attend this one.) Short answer: she really really liked the 2nd doctor, particularly how diligent he seemed to be understanding her info.

We began the process of scheduling the sentinel node biopsy after the Wednesday oncologist appointment. On Friday it got scheduled for this coming Tuesday (2/26). That's a pretty major milestone, because we learn whether there are traces of cancer in the lymph system, which in turn effectively defines whether it's stage I or stage II. We should also learn the results of the BRCA genetic test later this coming week, which will indicate whether there's particular genetic predispositions to breast & ovarian cancer.

And chemo is scheduled to begin March 13th.

Thus there's a lot to process.

Tunneling through the compartments

2008-02-18T14:26:00.003-05:00

So I need to get a blackberry, or something similar, for work. Great. I'm a gadgety guy, it should be fun to pick something out.

Instead, I become intensely frustrated during the process. Yes, yes, the cell phone companies tend to make it frustrating, we all know that. Sales reps who don't know the answers. Systems that let me buy packages online but not in the stores. Etc.

This might be failure of my compartmentalizing. I've been pretty good so far, staying focused on work when I'm doing work, staying supportive of Laura when I'm with Laura. Work gives me a chance to be "good at something" and have some measure of control over my life, in obvious contrast to Laura's cancer.

So I'm thinking: what should be merely an annoying situation becomes intensely frustrating. I'm frustrated more broadly about the cancer situation, and it manifests in my cell phone shopping.

Happiness is all about expectations

2008-02-15T10:54:00.003-05:00

First, the medical update: Laura's MRI has been read, and it's relatively positive. No visible lymph node involvement or anything in the right breast. One of the two known malignancies shows on the MRI.

This is as positive outcome as one could hope from the MRI.

What's amazing is how happy this makes us -- the sun shines a little brighter today. Let's be clear, the MRI showed cancer. A test which shows cancer is, at some level, inherently bad news. But because we already went through the deny/acceptance/explore phase that she's got cancer, even a little bit of good news makes us cheerful.

Weird. Not surprising -- a classic example of happiness being based on outcome vs. expectations, not about the outcome per se. But still weird.

A Carrot A Day

2008-02-12T20:58:00.000-05:00

Lots happened today. MRI in the morning, some work for me & classes for Laura in the mid-day, and meeting with the surgeon in the early evening.

First, the news, particularly for friends & family wanting to know what's going on:
1. Still looks like fairly early stage, only moderately aggressive cells. Still looks like a mastectomy is the right surgical course of action.
2. Laura's going to get some testing which, depending on results, may indicate future risk and the need for prophylatic treatment.
3. Now looking like the best course of action will be to start Chemo first, and surgery following. Turns out that there's no difference in survival rates between that & the surgery first. And this will allow for reconstructive surgery concurrent with the mastectomy, which is good on multiple fronts.

Major observations:
1. Laura & I switch off being the "stoic" vs. the one "breaking down."
2. I don't break down when I hear news. I break down when friends & family are being sympathetic/understanding. Like when I first told my boss's chief of staff the news a week ago, and he said "we'll figure out how to make this work", I could barely hold it together.
3. I'm dealing with the stress in a variety of ways. Eating. Drinking. Work. I checked my email a few dozen times (on Laura's iPhone no less) while Laura was getting the MRI done.

Best of all: we went to a nice local Vietnamese restaurant, Da Lat, for dinner after meeting with the surgeon. Very nice dinner, relaxed, a chance to process. We get fortune cookies. Mine states the usual crap, along the lines that my charm & personality will make me successful -- clearly way off, as anyone who has spent time with me knows I lack social skills. Laura's fortune states -- seriously now, word for word, not paraphrasing:

"A carrot a day may keep the cancer away."

A day late & a dollar short, wouldn't you say?

What's best for the boys

2008-02-10T19:31:00.000-05:00

Nope, this isn't about what we tell the boys about the cancer. That's pretty straightforward in my mind, and we've already begun that process -- very matter of fact, there's stuff in mommy's body that doctors will take out, etc, etc. (Ben responded along the lines of: if the doctor cut me, I would cry.)

So last night a friend called, offering to take the boys today (thanks Kevin). I wasn't sure what to answer. ~~I want~~ I'm supposed to spend a bunch of good "family time" right now.

But this morning I called back, and early this afternoon dropped them off. I think it was better to let Jack & Ben have a good time, play with other kids, etc., than to just hang out with a very distracted dad watching one more episode of Miss Spider or SuperWhy. And I still really needed the time to read cancer books & think cancer thoughts. And pester Laura for a bit without the kids knocking on our door.

Slowly moving into acceptance.

2008-02-09T13:04:00.001-05:00

I find it a little hard to believe it's only been 5 days since Laura was told -- "got" would be the wrong word, she got the disease a while ago I guess -- that she has breast cancer. Monday night. Today is Saturday.

I've mostly moved past denial. I was really wondering if, maybe, the biopsy results got mixed up in the lab. Someone else has the cancer, not Laura. I'm mostly past that, but I still want to see whether the MRI confirms it. Laura's moved well past denial, into acceptance, starting to move into exploration: before I started this blog, she was on the computer shopping for hats.

Telling people has helped. Now it's almost routine to tell someone. Laura kind of likes the shock value she said. My joke is that she should tell people, "...and it's a really rare type, it's actually contagious" and then exhale strongly. I hope this sense of humor by us is a way of dealing, not reflective of deep character flaws, but who knows.

There are books out there for husbands of women who've been diagnosed with breast cancer. Laura picked one up from the library "When your wife has breast cancer" and I'm waiting for one from Amazon. I couldn't write a book, but I'm hoping maybe writing this blog will be like telling people in the first place -- a way to deal with the situation.

I haven't entirely broken down yet. Laura keep telling me that I'm going to have to. Tuesday is the first meeting with the surgeon. I'll be stoic for her Tuesday night. I'm out of town for work on Wednesday night (work & travel will be a whole 'nother posting topic, for sure) and that's my best guess for breaking down. Or some moment completely unexpected.

Oh, in case you don't know us, Laura is 34 and I'm 37. We have two boys, Jack and Ben, age 6 & 4. So the word I use to describe the diagnosis, the initial impact, is "shocking."